The Starward Exiles Entry 12: Jill

(A Serial Novel)

It’s hard to mark time in space. Oh, there are clocks. You can check the numbers, but before long, you realize that’s all they are. A man needs a planet. The rising and falling of a sun helps him feel the passage of time. On a ship, a man is surrounded by suns, so that extra sense has no grounding. He exists in an eternal, stagnate moment.

At least, such was my frame of mind as we traveled to Mary’s home planet. Jeena’s words lingered in my heart, sinking me into melancholy. I couldn’t say which of us had won our exchange, but her vicious grin, her furious eyes, her hopelessness bore into my soul, made me ask questions, made me doubt, a frightening thing in space.

I wasn’t alone. Jeena’s poison affected the whole crew. A somber air fell over the Eagle Seven. As the stagnate hours wore on, I spent most of my time in the hull, leaning over the crates, hoping to write faster than my thoughts. Over time, I noticed Heath, Cynthia, Helen, and Silby leaving the cockpit and entering the hull as well. They didn’t seem to know I was there. They would sit together in a semi-circle on the floor and just hold one another like they were huddling together against the cold. Silby often wept softly as they spoke in whispers. They would do this for a couple hours at a time, then go to their rooms. At first, Cynthia was the only one who would hold her, but finally, Helen held the girl instead, and lastly, Heath. Silby cried the loudest when he took her in his arms.

Jeena kept her distance from the group, but her presence loomed over everyone. She sat in a corner, her cold grin never gone. She spoke to no one, and no one to her, not even me, although I felt as if she were standing over my shoulder whenever I tried to write. It wouldn’t be fair to say that the girl was a devil, but she became the personification of my doubts, an unfair thing to place on a girl who’d endured so much, but during those stagnant hours, my fear and anger overwhelmed my sympathy. It wasn’t her words that had gotten to me. As I said, it was her brokenness.

Sitting in that hull, I got a glimpse of what life was like in that cave. I could see Heath and the others, unwashed and unclad, huddled together, whispering and crying while countless eyes, some indifferent, some curious, some cruel and mocking, passed over them. They had found strength in each other, but I got the sense that Jeena, either physically or emotionally, had remained alone and therefore was the first to break. She was probably broken long before Madulluel had ever bought them.

In time, Jill approached me in the hull and beckoned me into the cockpit. I followed her and sat down in the co-pilot’s seat while she flew the ship. For a while, we said nothing, and I relished the relief I was already feeling. It seemed Jeena’s aura was limited to the hull. Then Jill spoke, “You’ve been watching them, right?”

“I have.”

“You know what I see?”

“Regression.”

“Yeah. I don’t think we can take Silby on. Jeena is obvious. She’ll make sure she’s dead in a couple years, and she’ll take whoever she’s near with her, but I had a little hope for Silby. She seems nice enough. But seeing the four of them cowering like a bunch of deer in the back,” she shook her head, “that scares me. Heath’s head needs to be in the game if we’re going to war.”

“I’m sure you’ll find a way to convince him,” I said.

“I’ll talk to Mary,” Jill said. “I’ve never met the woman, but if she has half the hold on Heath that I think she does, she should be able to pull it off.” She turned to me, stared for a moment, then she must’ve seen something on my face because she laughed. “I’m sorry. I know you’re just a passenger, but I saw Cynthia treating you like a shrink, so I thought I’d try the same thing. I need a sounding board. Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” I said. Anything was better than feeling Jeena’s shadow in the back.

Jill patted my hand. “I wasn’t with them. I guess that’s another reason I’m talking to you. You’re the only other person not under that group spell.”

“I wonder if things will improve once Jeena is gone,” I suggested.

Jill shook her head. “Silby was tied to the falling out, and we’re going to see Mary. They’re making amends now, which is good, but once Heath sees his first wife again, it’s all gonna come roaring back, and they’ll have to start the process over. I think you’ve heard enough to guess what happened.”

“They were a part of the zoos and forced to have children together. Then Madulluel bought them. Things were marginally better. Then Madulluel used Heath to have a child, proving that the Droguldai and humans could breed, which enabled her to declare our two species equal. After that, she let Heath and the others go, and all the resentment that had been building up over the years came to surface, and all the women except Cynthia and Helen left. I take it Silby and Jeena were the ring leaders.”

Jill nodded. “All true, but there’s one detail you’ve missed. The Nordics have had trouble getting the humans to breed like that in the past. They had a problem. The Nordics want humans, but they don’t want the best and brightest. They took, I guess you could say, weaker males. They considered Heath a weaker male, genetically weaker, I mean. It’s not just a matter of being shorter and out of shape, although they went for those characteristics. The Reptilians had done a great deal of genetic research, and they were looking for genetic lines that wouldn’t produce taller, muscular males in the future. I don’t know if they did the same with the women or not, but I suspect they didn’t because the Reptilians seem to be under the impression that most of the dominant genetic traits are carried through the men. Anyway, the Nordics took that research, and when they did a mass abduction, they killed most of the men save the ones who had the weakest genetic lines. That’s why most humans in the Milky Way are shorter than their earthly counterparts, so the technique had some success. But the problem was that the women weren’t really attracted to the men, and the Nordics had a hard time getting them to cooperate. I mean, they could get them to do anything with constant oversight, but that wasn’t cost-effective. So, they started selecting women who had some connection with the males. You see where I’m going?”

My eyes widened. “Heath knew all of them.”

“He was attracted to them. He remembered them. Now, no one knows how the Nordics made their selections. Some say they scanned Earth’s records looking for connections, but personally, I think they’ve got some way to scan the mind and see memories. They saw who Heath remembered. Jeena was a crush from school. I don’t think there’s any record of that, but the Nordics knew. And Jeena probably didn’t even remember him. So, you can imagine her shock when she was suddenly abducted and expected to fulfill the fantasies of a man she’d probably said five words to.”

Horror and pity rushed through me, and I suddenly felt very guilty for comparing Jeena to a devil. “That’s awful,” I whispered.

“And imagine how Mary feels,” Jill said. “These weren’t just women from nowhere. She was sharing her husband with a bunch of lost loves. If that wasn’t the case, the most logical thing for her to do would have been to make Heath push the others away, but she didn’t. She left.”

“That certainly makes sense,” I said. “You’re sure they didn’t make Heath pick his suiters? I don’t see how the Nordics could have such technology.”

Jill frowned. I realized I’d said something very foolish. She was filled with indignation for her friend.

“He’d rather die,” she muttered.

“I’m not judging him,” I said quickly. “I see the man he is now.”

“Guilt has made him the man he is now,” Jill snapped. She closed her eyes and sighed. “Sorry. You just don’t understand. Heath . . . he acts like he told them. I’ve heard his story. They hooked him up to a bunch of machines, altered his body, and he was in and out of consciousness the whole time. I think he believes he must’ve told them his preferences and doesn’t remember it, but I don’t believe that. What were all those machines doing? They already had his genetic information. That was why he was selected. What else could they have been looking for? I’ve tried to tell him this, but he doesn’t believe me. And you saw him back at that brothel. The way he charged those monsters, dodged their lasers. He’s not afraid to die. He’s been like that ever since we met.”

I gave Jill a gentle smile. “You love him.”

Jill blinked, then frowned. She was silent for a time, then she whispered, “Don’t you ever tell him. He’s got enough on his mind.”

“I’m sure he knows by now,” I said.

“Knowing it and talking about it are two different things. You’ve been told I was sick. You know my story.”

“I know you have a sensitive disease. I know that you’re going to die,” I said.

“He saved me. They were all there, but he charged those Nordics. I wasn’t his mission, but he saw an opportunity, and he took it. He freed me from that life just as they were about to kill me because I’d been infected and was useless to them.” She shook her head. “A sensitive disease,” she repeated, sneering. “Call it what it is: an STD, an alien STD. You know what would happen if I were to give into my love? He’d die. In twenty-four hours. It’ll take a decade for this thing to eat out my insides, but he’d convulse and vomit and bleed for twenty-four hours. I can’t do that to him. I can’t even talk about it. Get close to it! Do you understand?”

I nodded and said, “I’m sorry. I see I’ve upset you. I imagine I’m making a lousy sounding board.”

Jill’s shoulder sagged. After another silence, she said, “It’s not your fault. It’s these Nordics. They get in your head. They convince you you’re nothing. At least, Cynthia and Helen understand that. I’d give anything to help Heath not feel so guilty. Even if he did tell the Nordics who he wanted, that’s not who he is now.”

I took Jill’s hand. Her eyes widened, but she let me. “I’m sure you’re right. I’m sure they did something to his mind.” I wish I hadn’t lied. I hate myself for it. I wasn’t sure what Heath had or hadn’t done, and I doubted there was any way to find out. I was certain the man didn’t remember doing it; otherwise, I don’t see how he could’ve found the strength to encourage the others. Maybe they drugged him. Maybe they tortured him and wiped his memory. And maybe they really had read his mind, but either way, I felt that Jill needed to hear Heath was innocent, so I indulged her desire. God, please forgive me, and please don’t make me tell her my doubts.

Jill saw something on my face. She must’ve misread my thoughts because she said, “Don’t pity me, Monk. I finished crying over my fate a long time ago. I’m not like the others. I do believe in God. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe he died for my sins. I believe he saved me, and you know what else? I believe God destined me to bare this burden, and I’ve found I can. So, don’t pity me because I was made for this. God is going to judge me by this test, and I think I’m going to pass it. If this war goes a certain way, I know I will.”

I was about to ask her what she meant, but she pointed out the window, and I saw Mary’s planet. I’ll cover what happened then in the next entry, Lord willing.

May God grant you peace.

Hieromonk Nicholas Petrov