The Starward Exiles Entry 11: Fallout

“I’m going to kill her!” Helen screamed. She yanked the rifle from my hands and aimed it at the traitorous woman, who was still lying unconscious in the other woman’s lap.

I would’ve put up more of a fight, but everything came flooding back to me at once. It had been so long since I’d fought in a battle, and the screams, both from a few minutes ago and twenty years before, reverberated in my mind. I smelled smoke and burning flesh. I saw the faces of dead friends. I relived that time in an instant. Shaking, wheezing, I moved to one of the crates and sat down before my legs failed me. Cinthia was right there, standing over me as I squeezed my hands into fists.

She began rubbing my back. “You’re alright,” she whispered.

“I will be,” I said between breaths. “Deal with Helen.”

Heath was already on it. I looked up and saw him standing between Helen and the two women beside the wall. “Sure,” he said. “Burn down my ship, why don’t ya.”

Helen glared at him. She did not lower her weapon. “I know you hate yourself and everything, but she just tried to kill us all.”

“I know,” Heath said. “And there will be time to deal with that, but not now. Not ten seconds after a fight. And we’re not out of it. If those Nordics get through that rubble, they’ll send ships after us. Go help Jill. Once we’re through the wormhole and you’ve got your head on, come back.”

Helen glared for a moment longer, then she spun and threw the rifle against the opposite wall. I felt the wind of the weapon as it flew past, but I hardly noticed. I was still busy trying to catch my breath.

“She’s not joining the crew,” Helen said. “I’ll kill her when you’re not looking.” She stormed out of the hull.

As she left, another horrible detail spilled into my mind. “The prisoners!” I gasped. “Before we left, I heard plasma shots. Can we help them?”

Heath turned to me, and his expression seemed worried. He hid it as quickly as I saw it and said, “We’re doing more for them than we’ve done for anybody else. We’re bait. Those Nordics aren’t going to care about their rituals when someone just spat in their eye, and those Greys won’t put up much of a fight. They have a better chance than most, even with only two guns.”

“Plasma guns are really effective against Nordics,” Cinthia said. “The three of us just took out half a garrison. I think they’ll be fine.”

“We didn’t kill enough of them,” Heath said, scowling. “Once they recover, they’ll put together what we’ve been doing. Our brothel operations are probably done.”

“That was going to happen anyway,” Cinthia said. “It was just a matter of time, and this way, we won’t be surprised by it.”

“I guess,” Heath said. He looked at me. “Are you alright?”

“It’s just nerves,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not going to do this every time, are you?” Heath asked.

“I doubt it,” I said.

More like I hope not, I thought.

“Good,” Heath said. “Mad has big plans for us and all that.” He grinned and shook his head. “I’m going to help Jill. I doubt those ships are coming, but you never know. Cinthia, stay with him.” He started out of the hull.

“Wait!” the woman holding the traitor said. She stood up, and, like Cinthia, embraced him. Once again, Heath winced, then he looked down at the charred wound on his shoulder. However, this time he didn’t try to return the hug. “I’m sorry,” the woman muttered into his chest. “I take it all back. I’ve wanted to say that for a long time, and now you’re here. So, I’m sorry. I know I can’t make it right, but I’m still sorry.”

Heath pulled her away, holding her at arm’s length. “You’re safe. I’m taking the two of you to Mary’s. You can decide what to do there.”

The woman swallowed and asked, “Are you two okay?”

A scowl grew on Heath’s face. He closed his eyes, then took a breath. “No.”

The woman let out a noise from her throat. She pressed her eyes together and, through clenched teeth, said, “I know that’s our fault, my fault. I’m sorry.”

Heath let her go and took a step back. He turned from her, and I saw a look of pure rage on his face. He closed his eyes again and let out another, longer breath. I thought I heard him whisper, “Okay.” Then he turned back around. “You and I . . . are fine.”

The woman broke down sobbing. After a moment, she asked, “Why did you come back for us if you’re still so angry?”

Heath was silent for a minute, then he slowly said, “Because even if this whole thing was forced on us, you still mean something to me. You all do.”

“But I was terrible to you,” the woman whispered.

“It’s done,” Heath said, sharply. “Don’t bring it up again.” He paused, and his shoulders dropped. “Please.”

The woman looked down at the floor. Then she lifted her eyes and whispered, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Heath said in as soft a voice as I think he could manage.

“The others are safe,” she added quickly. “They just got the two of us. Everyone else is fine.”

“Tell Madulluel. I think she’s still looking for some of them.” He paused, then whispered,

“I’m glad you’re alright.” He turned to us. “Cinthia, please help her find some clothes.”

The woman seemed to remember the blanket she was wearing then. She squeezed it closer to her body. Cinthia turned to me, giving me a wry grin. “We’re doing the right thing, right monk?” she whispered.

I smiled back at her. Thankfully my breath was starting to return.

“Don’t want to ruin it with revenge,” she added, then turned to the woman. “Alright,” she said louder. “I think I’ve got something that will fit. Come on.”

Cinthia threw an arm around the woman’s shoulder, and the three of them left the room, leaving me with the unconscious woman on the floor. For a long time, I sat there continuing to struggle with my breath, although it wasn’t as difficult as it had been. I pushed the thoughts of war away from my mind and tried to think about the bizarre and tragic situation I found myself caught up in.

I’d heard of the zoos. I’d heard of the various breeding programs and experiments. I’d heard of the slavery. I’d heard there were entire planets filled with slaves. Mining planets, they were called. I’d even seen a mass abduction during the war, a broad translucent green beam that seemed to suck every living, breathing thing into the sky. I knew that the first war had been worse and that there were millions, if not billions, of humans at this point enduring perverted schemes and perpetual servitude. But I’d never met anyone who’d experienced such things. I’d never seen the confusion and pain they were going through. What was I supposed to tell them? How was I supposed to guide them through something I couldn’t even begin to understand? How was I supposed to know what God really wanted for them? Was it better for Cinthia and Helen to go their own ways and start their own families, or was it better for them to stay with Heath? Was it right for Heath to accept this arranged marriage with Madulluel, or should he reject a relationship forced on him, even if it could cost countless lives? And as Helen had put it, should they all have died rather than given up their virtue, or were they right to do as they were told? And what about the babies? Should they have given up their children to save their own lives, or should they have died trying to protect them, even if their cause was doomed? What would I have done?

It was like living in ancient times, a time of harems, arranged marriages, slavery, and subjugation. How could our age of technology have led to such barbarism? Weren’t all these wonderful inventions supposed to make things better? Weren’t they proof that mankind had evolved? No. Instead, technology had taken us in a circle, back to a time when men and women sacrificed their children to alien gods.

The woman in front of me groaned. Then she sat up. We stared at one another until the woman tightened the blanket around herself and leaned back against the wall.

“What?” she asked, giving me a toothy grin I didn’t like. “Has Heath taken up religion.” Then she muttered, “Like that’ll save him.”

“I’m just a passenger,” I said. “Are you Jeena or Silby?”

“Jeena,” the woman said. “And you are?”

“Nicholas.”

It was then that I noticed her eyes. They were pink and shined in the dim hull light. She seemed to realize what I was looking at, saying, “Yeah. They’re pretty, aren’t they? They were going to change my hair and paint some colorful tattoos all over my skin.” She leaned forward. “That’s what they do; you know. They change you. It’s all about removing who you were. These invaders aren’t just content to burn down your temple. Oh no. They desecrate your body. And I’m one of the lucky ones. Usually, they give you a tail, some ears, change your hair so it’s more like fur, or they give you scales—anything they can think of so that every time you look in the mirror, you remember what you really are, an animal.”

“Obviously, I don’t believe that’s true. Do you?”

“I don’t really care what I am,” Jeena said. “Doesn’t change where I’m at or who I’m with.” She shrugged. “A shame about the tattoos, though. I was looking forward to that. I’d show them to you, but they’re not done. Probably never will be now.”

“Is that why you alerted the Nordics?” I asked. “You were excited about your tattoos?”

“I was trying to kill Heath,” Jeena snapped. “I could give or take everyone else, myself included. Since you were shooting beside that slut Cinthia, then I’m sure you know what’s going on.”

I straightened when I heard her insulting Cinthia. Our brief exchange had made me feel closer to her than anyone else. Again, Jeena noticed.

“Oh, don’t take it hard, priest,” she said. “We were all sluts. We had to be.” She looked toward the cockpit. “And Heath was quite a stud, wasn’t he? I don’t know who the stoic guy that entered my room was, but the Heath I knew was chipper and upbeat, happy as a sow in mud with his harem, until it cost him.”

“Is that what you did?” I asked. “Made him pay for it? You should be happy then. I’ve seen nothing but pain on this ship.”

“That’s good,” Jeena said.

“Then maybe you should put it aside,” I said. “The time for paying is over. It’s best to move on.”

“And because he saved me, right? You’re forgetting that part.”

“And because he kept Helen from killing you.”

“Helen was a bitch even in that cave. I hated her then, and I hate her now. But we all smiled at the time because we were ‘all in this together.’ We kept two stinking corpses in our cave because there was nowhere to bury them, and we were ‘all in this together.’ Even when we gave up our children, we were ‘all in this together.’” She leaned back again and smiled. “We were just a pack, fighting to survive like everybody else. If your God were real, you’d think he would’ve told us about all these other special creations made in his image or whatever. He didn’t. So, he’s not, which means Heath didn’t save me at all. It doesn’t matter if I sell myself to him, or some Nordic, or whoever because one situation is just as shitty as the other. There’s no better because there’s no good.”

“Maybe God kept us isolated because he wanted the truth to spread from our planet just as it did from Israel. Perhaps that isolation served a higher purpose. If that’s true, then Heath did save you.”

Jeena scoffed. “Cute.” She tilted her head toward the cockpit. “Why don’t you tell the others I’m awake. I think our conversation is done.”

I said, “I agree,” then left the hull.

I’ll discuss what happened next in the following entry, Lord willing.

May God grant you peace.

Hieromonk Nicholas Petrov